i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
