There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
