She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize