I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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