Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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