we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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