I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
