how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
