The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
