i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
The struggles of a small town man whore
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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