He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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