I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i wish my penis had a tongue
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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