low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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