Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
