if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
