why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
