because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
