I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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