Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
