Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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