discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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