We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
