I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Randomize
