I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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