Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Randomize
