It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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