i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
