.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
