I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
