The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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