i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
