Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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