I'm sorry my penis didn't work
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I checked into jail on foursquare
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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