Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
