hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
