Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Pińatas plus fireworks don't mix well
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize