it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
