Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
