Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
she peed on how many people?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize
