oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
