Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
