Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
