I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
