Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
