I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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