I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
