This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
You can't just leave with hair like that
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
