We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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