A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I need to calm my uterus...
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
