True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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