we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
