Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
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