Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
