Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
