make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Alive.
So much puke
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
