ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
