I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
