$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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