If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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