At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
