I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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