I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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