you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
