Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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