hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
