I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Are my feet made of real feet?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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