I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
