He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I love you.
Bad choice
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