I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Dick very happy bro
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
