When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
