If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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